A few weeks back, former LGHL writer DJ Byrnes and we were articulate on Twitter about a things in Columbus that unequivocally irritated us. We motionless a usually approach to get a self therapy we so sorely indispensable was to have an airing of grievances of sorts about a several Columbus suburbs that unequivocally got to us.
The following is a tongue-and-cheek, spontaneous energy rankings of sorts, for all a things about a C-bus suburbs that bug us. If you’re intensely skinny skinned, miss a clarity of humor, or usually like to get insane about things on a Internet, this substantially isn’t for you.
Matt: While we grew adult in a Columbus area (Granville, afterwards campus), I’ve also spent poignant time in places like Washington DC, New Orleans and currently, Chicago. One thing a latter cities all have in common are sets of rarely singular neighborhoods. Different collection of city have totally opposite design styles, food choices, racial backgrounds; it can be like attack an wholly opposite city by usually going a few blocks away.
Columbus doesn’t unequivocally have that. Despite being a sincerely large city, an awful lot of Columbus correct is too widespread out, or too similar, to have a singular area honour or feel. What we have instead, are suburbs.
DJ: I inherently like a thick aspects of life many some-more than frame malls and developmental apartments that seem to stock any singular one of Columbus’ suburbs. Drive in any instruction and we will confront a deification of a corporatocracy that is solemnly roaming divided during any emergence or try during culture.
However, usually a seasoned Columbus..ian? Columbusite? Columbian? (COLUMBIAN!) can truly conclude a small shrines to white moody any suburb of Columbus brings to a table.
Let’s start with Dublin – Dublin, Ohio is small some-more than a poorman’s Upper Arlington, and for that, it will always be a suburb of many ill-repute to me. That, and they separate on their hands before a MARION HURRICANES dumped their contemptible MOSSL patrol 2-1 behind in a 90′s.
Then there’s a whole fake-”Dublin, JUST LIKE IRELAND” thing they have going on. I’ve never been to Dublin, Ireland, yet we doubt it has anything in common with a heartache that is Dublin, Columbus, McMansions, and 95% of a people who still possess and expostulate Hummers in 2013.
Matt: Really, a whole “fake-Irish” business permeates a ton of white America, and we consider it’s ridiculous. If your great-grandparents were innate in a US, and we can’t name some-more than dual cities in Ireland, we aren’t indeed Irish, even yet we like to drink. Dublin then, is a suburb of frauds. PERHAPS EVEN CLOWNFRAUDS.
DJ: Let’s change gears to Upper Arlington itself. we lived in Upper Arlington, and brief of a stately cougars extending in a wild, that suburb has small to offer if we don’t wear $3000 suits or expostulate your dad’s BMW to high propagandize any day. Golden Bears? More like Golden Honkeys. And it will go on too, given awful people with income will continue to live there, and so will their kids. DID WE MENTION THE OVERT RACISM?
Matt: Also, we hatred that UA likes to fake it’s a UCLA of Metro Columbus. Their foolish high propagandize likes to gloat about their 44 state titles, and how it’s a city of champions or whatever. Look Upper Arlington, you’re not rowdiness anybody. Nobody gives a crap about your 26 tennis or H2O polo titles that we get given you’re a abounding propagandize surrounded by a poors. Let’s see how many you’re bragging when they can finally means to build swimming pools in Youngstown.
DJ: We pierce on, this time to Hilliard. Oh, Hilliard we have never seen a Rivers Hades, yet when God fundamentally casts me there, we assume a on-ramp will demeanour a lot like Hillard Rome Road and 70 West. we had to assistance my partner dump some things off in Hilliard, AND HOLY S***; thirty mins pushing by some pointless doctor’s park off Fishinger Road and holding a easy approach out seemed favorable. We were means to find some BS physician’s bureau that was “across from a Movie Tavern” as were a usually directions that a secretary could give.
I also went there to watch a Browns diversion once, some pointless crappy corporate bar we tend to find in 21st century frame malls, and it was usually a common of collection wearing BEN ROETHLISBERGER and SUPER BOWL #7 jerseys.
Matt: I lived in Franklin and Licking County for 21 years and we consider I’ve been to Hilliard accurately once. What’s a reason to ever go to a west side of Columbus unless we possess skill there?
DJ: Next adult is Powell – we haven’t spent a lot of time in Powell, yet LOL during a time we have. Will a 315/750 intersection ever be fixed? Ever? Or will it continue to be a corrupt on a pleasing expostulate that is a 315 scenic route? You know, I’m aged adequate to remember a 315 scenic track before Powell blew adult and everybody else busted it. Screw Powell and a people who expostulate 35 down 315 and take 20 mins to make a left palm spin into ROCKAWAY BAY or whatever BS name developers gave to their park of Weeds-esque “little boxes”.
Matt: When we went to Ohio State we gathering a kick adult Mitsubishi Mirage from 1995 or something. It was gray, had lots of dents, a domestic fender plaque that was median scratched off from a final time we done a mistake of parking in Upper Arlington, and a damaged windshield wiper. When we stopped during red lights, I’d hurl down a window and clean all down with a sock. It was standard for a march in my campus neighborhood, yet we could positively tell it didn’t go to a trust account kid.
I gathering that automobile 3 times in Powell. we got dual parking tickets and was tailed by a patrolman a third time. Don’t go to Powell if your car’s blue book is next 20 grand, or they’ll try to find a approach to transport your donkey to jail.
DJ: Next adult is Westerville – Bland land of people not abounding adequate to live in Dublin or Upper Arlington yet still consider they go in a same taxation bracket. Has anything strange ever come from Westerville? People from Westerville are possibly super bland, or they go out of a approach to make certain we know how many of a singular snowflake they are opposite a snowscape that is Westerville, Ohio. Westerville can be summed adult with a resounding ‘meh’.
Matt: Yeah, this is flattering accurate.
DJ: And afterwards there was Grandview – Grandview is okay. There’s a lot of immature people there, yet a lot of them usually wear ties to bars and act genuine critical and unhappy during any try to have fun. Last time we was there, we saw a garland of bros substitute out of Marshall’s, stand into an SUV, back-into a write pole, speed off, and were apprehended a few blocks over when we left. There was also a time during Marshall’s where my crony got into an evidence with a barkeeper about beers being bought during 8:58 still subordinate for a special that finished during 9, and it finished with bar congregation ganging adult on my friends and we while screaming things like “THIS IS GRANDVIEW YOU CANT ACT LIKE THAT HERE, BRO” and jerk things like that. Haven’t messed with it since.
And how about Whitehall – we like Whitehall, other than their absurd military force that looks during we like they wish to quarrel during an intersection. REAL RESPECT REAL. *RESPECT TO WHITEHALL*
Matt: Also, Whitehall’s football track gives giveaway food to sportswriters and sells walking tacos. MATT BROWN TESTED, MATT BROWN APPROVED.
Don’t forget to check out DJ’s surreal summation of President Warren G. Harding’s enchanting rebirth and quarrel in a heroin wars, “The Most Hated On“. Available online now.